Marvin Cohen was almost deaf from the age of three. Perhaps this explains his love of puns and double-entendre . . .

The Fashion for Hooves

God was distributing parts to animals-in-process being made at the Creation. Hooves were fashionably “in,” that year, a trend that gave horses and cows status of envy and admiration from the other animals all coveting hooves as well, to cap off their own newly formed legs.

The dogs, in particular, clamored for hooves. “Perhaps,” God said, in an impatient tone, to discourage them from hounding Him so doggedly and bring these sole mischief-makers to heel.

He put His foot down. With a firm judicial choice: “I’ll boot you out, unless you toe the line.”

This stopped them in their tracks, and gave them pause.

Moral: Opun for anyone to find one, but it’s some feat if you do.

A Belated Historical Glimpse into the Old American West

Cowboys consider bullets to be little bulls.

Aren’t you “shooting the bull”?

No, but seriously. Bulls charge, and bullets are propelled. And bullets were often used to, uh, “discourage” potential cattle-rustlers or cattle-thieves. If the actual bulls couldn’t discourage the outlaws, then bullets would, from: guns owned by the same owners that owned the bulls.

That’s no bull?

I don’t bully you. Bulls and bullets will do.

That’s an old trail. No new bulldozers, now.

Bulldozers pave new paths. That takes us from the trail of the old West.

Then you’re on the level with me?

Yes, I shoot straight from the hip.

Bully for you.

Shortness Deflated

To compensate for being short, a self-consciously short man became pugnaciously belligerent (or at least aggressive). This brought all the more attention to his shortcoming, due to the public’s making the customary connection in popular psychology between male shortness and pugnacious belligerence (or at least aggression). “It’s because he’s short,” everybody explained. This drove the short man’s self-consciousness about his shortness to greater lengths of disproportion, called obsession. He tried to reverse compensation: meek modesty and shy reserve; hoping thereby to increase his stature and elevate his social standing. But this was spoiled by his being looked down on by many people. As usual, he got the short end of the deal.

Moral: Compensations often fall short.

A Horror Movie as a Prepared Food Dish

In the concoction of a horror movie, you know what floats to the top?

No, what?

Scream.

Oh, but it doesn’t stay there.

No, it’s consumed. By then, the horror movie has curdled away.

The Substance of a Commercial

Suffering from ontological deficiency? Don’t do nothing! Take Vitamin Be!

Not Getting It

I said to him (looking him in the eye), “Pass some money.”

Oh. And how did he answer that?

He said, “Parsimony? It’s the only thing I can offer you.”

Not very much.

No. A generous deficiency.

You mean a deficiency in generosity.

To a fault.

What Came Off in the Wash

(Everything, Including the Laundry Itself, all its Cloth and Fabric)

A dirty businessman was trying to make a shady deal with another dirty businessman. They were being grubby about it. The first said, “Come clean.” The second said, “No soap.” So the whole deal was washed out. This cleaned it up; but by then it was no deal.

Variations on a College Education

A college student majored in speaking; before graduation he had to pass his orals.

Another student, in a different part of the very same university, majored in sodomy. Before graduating he had to pass his anals.

A university shouldn’t be means about its number of ends.

Pleasure-Coated Pleasure

The very way he seeks his joy gives her joy; how well cut out they are for each other! For where he has ’surplus’, she has recession, and by blending needs, they make both ends meat; a darling combination. The fit is snug and tight, and the blushing blood melts them white. This balances excess, and the vacuum of serenity is filled.

A First-Hand Witness Reports From Every Country at Once, All Represented by One Country. It’s So Typical, It’s Unique.

The ratio in this country is two policemen per every one people, such is the crime rate. Even the policemen require policemen to watch over them. Thus, no-one is safe. Not even anyone. Of course, crime goes on anyway. It's as inevitable as sin. In a way, it is sin. But not original, however.

The Old Man of the Eyes

A man got so old that his years numbered a-hundred-and-thirty-five, though his eyes retained their fiery luster.

“Why aren’t you dead yet?”: the logical question was always put to him by his junior townsfolk.

His answer: “My bright eyes. Years ago a distinguished oculist marveled at my eyes and told me that they dilate. So I determined that if my eyes should die late, then why shouldn’t I, also? An I for an eye, say I. That’s why.”

Whereupon he winked, and everyone left him alone.

A Twin Silence

A musician died of a heart attack. His epitaph bore the words, “He skipped a beat.” For his heart had been in his music. His music had been defective. In the end, so was his heart. For they had kept time together. And found their mutual loss, on the last stroke.

About a Beer-Drinking Wake Following a Coffin’s Putdown

At his bier they played taps.
With plenty of beer on tap.
By death, the be-er was tapped.