I

can’t believe I catched this on video. Attend to me. They will enter your life who are meant only to be there for a time. These are insignificant vestiges. They are as testicles. You are the penis. Wink at a penis, it rises, but oh how heavy the balls. Don’t think twice about detaching them. Their forays are few. Some testicles hang too low even to swing. You won’t believe it either. Listen. We are coming for you. Our business won’t take long. We do not want peace. We are not friends. We are suckerfish. You are belly. Behold! The belly breaches but not the fish. Take not fright ye. We are prodigious—in our number only the finless go down. When you see it. Do please remember on your way out, ladies & gents, that this is a residential area. I shouldn’t talk but. She goes for a certain type bless her. Transients. Rag and bone. She is the economy. She overheats, banks topple. And who can blame them? You won’t be able to unsee it. If this were engraved with needles in the corner of the eye, it would serve as a lesson to the heedful. In the wadi you will find the digital nomads. They are credulous. You will be as a god to them. They will quake. You will gain three centimetres in height. They will quail. Leave them to their nomading. They would only burn on cresting the ridge. Don’t fear. They have not forgotten you but await your return. Watch till the end. Warning. Use gloves. Prolonged contact may cause harm. Ingredients include Sodium Xylenesulfonate, Denatonium Benzoate and Hydroxypropyltrimonium. Active agent is 6-(2-Aminopropyl)benzofuran, a serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine reuptake inhibitor. Effects include disinhibition and novelty enhancement. Some ions never get around to forming molecules. Neither, 5-Methoxy-N,N-diisopropyltryptamine, 4-Acetoxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine nor 3,4-Methylenedioxypyrovalerone are substituted piperazines. One Arylcyclohexylamine is much the same as the next. I had to watch ten times. Gather round. We can win this. Jesionowski, I’m going to need you to go ahead and track back when we’re defending. You’re not actually meant to loll about in the box all the time, you fucking diva. These guys are working hard for you. When and only when we have possession, that’s when you make your fancy little runs. Karpowicz, Augspurger and Ó Súilleabháin—hold your positions. You’re not offensive. If I see you out wide again, Beaufoy, you’re benched. We all of us must allow Jesionowski to soar. This it seems is our destiny. Wait for it. Attention please. Would passenger Hephzibah Rafferty please make your way to Gate 41A. Your flight closes in ten minutes and we are worried about you. Not angry, to be clear. We’re aware of Skybender®, the state-of-the-art retail experience in whose polished surfaces you have doubtless paused here and there to see your reflection. We recognise its gleaming qualities, the sirens that call to you from its attractively-lit display areas, the merfolk that swim the channels between its chanels. We get it. But your plane is leaving. Bid adieu to the fawning attendants—they cannot come with you. You, and you alone, and the other passengers on the aircraft, awaits the miracle of flight. Think of it! To go up into the very sky? Like a goddess? And watch a movie up there? A current release? What can the earthbound know of Heaven’s delights? Today you fly to Denver, but Denver is just an idea to them, Hephzibah. Lindette, who was so good at picking out those top notes you like—bergamot, cardamom—is aerophobic. She works here on the advice of her exposure therapist. Wait for it . . . Stop. Authorised personnel only beyond this point. Oh, is that you, Hector? Well, come on in, ya silly billy! We didn’t realize it was you or we wouldn’t have . . . wait. Sydney isn’t with you, is he? Felix? Thick as thieves you three. If Sydney and/or Felix are with you we have a problem. Sydney and Felix are unauthorised personnel. As you well know. The temerity, actually, that you imagined you could just stroll beyond this point with Sydney and/or Felix. It’s a little disappointing. We couldn’t have been clearer on this when we authorised you. Unauthorised personnel are bad people, Hector. Terrible people. Especially Felix—a man in whom all the vices are united. Wait . . .